How I really feel....

Okay...so I have had a lot of people ask me how we are doing and how I really feel...where here it goes. I will start with July 7th the day we found out Harpers heart had stopped beating.
We went in for what was supposed to be a "routine" ultrasound...we were having them weekly. I just remember looking on the screen then looking at Dave trying to see the ultrasonographer's face and then just knowing what had happened. I will never forgot Dr. Nathan saying the baby has no hearbeat...I'm so sorry...I will call the hospital and tell them you are on your way. Really...we were in shock...we hardly talked to each other on the way there. ..we just held hands for strength. I was admitted to labor and delivery where the nurses were right outside the door and in the room in a moments notice. Dr. Windom explained as best he could what would happen...we have had a lot of people ask about the delivery...here it is...The nurse inserted medicine into the cervix...one dose would probably kill a baby in delivery...apparently they only use it in a case like ours...it took 3 doses. I was told that there would be no way I could go without an epidural....I recieved it very early on....the nurses were great they held my hand when the IV team had to get blood/put IV's in and when I was upset. The night was very hard...I was in physical pain as well as emotional. My mom and Dave were in the room the whole time....and tried to keep me focused. Because the medicine was so strong I didn't have to push...we were told that from the beginning...we were also told that it would be very traumatic and that they would be in there as soon as I knew she was being delivered...and they were. Dave and I were very shaken and still in shock...we chose not to look at her until they had a chance to clean her up...like they do with all babies. My mother held her, the nurse placed her in my lap and we looked at her precious little hands and feet...they were perfect.
We had no clue what to expect...we were given literature and Dr. Windom talked to us as well as the nurses...but who is every ready or truly knows what to expect in that situation. Most moms there were anticipating the birth of their newest addition...we were not ready for labor to end...because for us...it truly was the end....the end of our baby's life. While others are getting ready to fill out paperwork for social security numbers and the baby's name....we were naming our baby girl and signing papers for pathology....deciding on whether or not to cremate or pick out a headstone. We were moved to recovery on the same side of the hospital with the mom's and their new babies...we were placed at the end with no babies....I just remember looking at the empty bassinet they keep in the room. So...how I feel...sometimes angry....sad...confused...sometimes I feel peace. I wonder what if, lots of times...it is weird to think....there is a peace of Dave and I already in heaven.
What not to say....please never tell anyone, especially me that "you can have another baby"...Landon, Kendall, nor Harper could ever be replaced...just like my husband could never be replaced! I know that people who say that have obvisouly never lost anyone close to them. I love all my children with all my heart...no one can take that feeling away.