The holidays are here and it's time to give thanks for all of our blessings. We have always considered Landon and Kendall blessings...a gift from God...however, we now know that in fact they are miracles! We thank God every day for them. I have to fight with myself daily to not be angry that God took Harper away....Dave and I were sure that we had won the "fight". I often find myself asking "why did you have to let the pregnancy go so far?" Would that have made it any easier...probably not...we will never know. Many have said that she may have saved my life...that she had her own reason...that she gave me a blessing. I still don't believe that....although we were blessed to get to spend time with her at the hospital....some people never get to see their baby...or get all the keepsakes that we did.
We are truly blessed and do have much to be thankful for....a wonderful family and a huge group of supportive friends...especially my wonderful friends at work. They help me more than they will ever know....I have found myself bitter lately and almost in a "glazed" over state. I hate to hear pregnant people complain about being tired or being swollen...I want to say COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS...even though I did the same thing when I was pregnant! I also find myself waiting on something else bad to happen....why...I think because one of the worse things has already happened. I am scared for my own health sometimes....I have for the most part always been healthy...the doctors don't sound so concerned though! I know some people get depressed after a major health scare...even though mine could have been a lot worse...I compare it too that. I am ready to feel like my old self again...I know I want be the same but someone who isn't so bitter would be nice. I am working on it...and making some progress....I think. I don't understand my anger/bitterness...I know that things happen and am so thankful that I have been left here to help Dave raise our wonderful children. I love being a mommy and thank God that I have the opportunity...after all we are blessed!
I am also blessed to have the most amazing husband in the world...I don't know what I do without him...he let's me cry when I feel like I can't hold it back anymore...he listens when I'm so angry that I just want to punch something...he takes me to the cemetary b/c I just don't feel like I can drive myself...he answers other peoples questions when I don't think I can...he holds my hand through it all... even though he suffers too. So thank God for the blessing's that are in our lives!
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